Wednesday 21 November 2007

The first post

I don't know how to deal with a sister who is alcoholic, who attacks me, has hated me my whole life (she's five years older than me, and 56 years old) and abuses me, just as she abuses everyone else.

Thing is, when faced with these kinds of things you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. If I defend myself (ie attack back) she'll say I'm "abusive too". If I say nothing I feel it drain me and diminish me - after all, it's abuse, and it's caused me to have to think and fret about a subject when there are other things I can use my mind for - like my own life.

But the fact is that she simply has no regard for my boundaries, and never has had, for my entire life. Her insecurities are imposed on others for the simple reason that she can do that. She's angry, rude, belligerent, and demanding. Every one else sees it but her. She is her own worst enemy.

So what can I do? What can I do when defending myself against her can be construed as betraying her? After all, there are so many expectations on families - duty and so forth - that mean we're expected to forgive and support other members of family.

But the truth of the matter is: why on Earth should a person accept abuse from another person just because they came from the same womb?

My family is emotionally incestuous, along with so many other families throughout the world. And I, for one, am fed up with the emotional incest. It affected me growing up ( I had all kinds of mental health problems, depressions, panic attacks, anxiety and so forth) and it's these kinds of behaviours that led to them. My father was the same: his rages were imposed on all of us. Was it any wonder I lacked confidence and self esteem, and grew up with such debilitating emotional processes, with such antics all around me?

All I feel I can do now is just put out my sister's emails and phone calls for anyone to see. Let the universe see them. And then, perhaps, they won't be occupying my mind, which I believe is her intention.

My other sister, Janice, died a few weeks ago. This sister, Jacqueline, was abusive to her over the last year - before she was diagnosed with brain cancer. When the diagnosis came, of course she was sorry, and felt shame and guilt. But that's the pattern of all abusers and alcoholics. They rage and abuse, then they're full of remorse. Then they try to make amends, then the resentment builds again, and so the abuse comes back.

Well I'm pretty determined to build my boundary from my sister, Jacqueline. So I'll just be posting future emails and phone calls here.

They may, at the end of the day, just be quite boring to hear. But they'll probably be full of attempts to manipulate, to control, to destroy my self respect and self esteem, and anything else that makes her feel more powerful, and control my life.

And that's the way it's always been.

I've always been terrified of this person, and she's my own sister. Terrified of her psychic energy: her rage, her abuse, her lies, her distortions and manipulations. But since the death of our sister, I'm realising just how dangerous she might actually be.

Hence this blog.

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